You see through to the heart of me...

From the tears of my own confession
That flowed with the touch of His kiss
It was this
His caress, His compassion
That compelled me
To journey deep inside
Where all the beauty of forgiveness hides
Asleep and silent, still
Until aroused and summoned at His will.

At times it seemed I journeyed all alone.
'Twas I that lost my way.
For faith and trust eluded me
And fear engulfed me
In a darkness so profound
That all my senses rose then fell
And mocked me with their falsehoods.
Then died to temporal things
In silence, without a sound.

Yet, in this darkest midnight,
My only light, that of my heart's desires,
My every substance melted by its fire,
I recognized the Stranger, my Beloved,
My Companion through the years.
For sense and intellect were gone.
In His eternity of forgiveness,
My faith grew strong, my fears grew dim
And there was nothing, nothing, nothing.
Only Him.

BWS (taken from The Hidden Life,
Revelations from a Holy Journey)

Failure...

For those of you who applied for a scholarship for the "She Speaks" conference and were like me, rushing to your email to find whether were one of the "chosen" ones. We all prayed, we all thought maybe this was the Lord's will for us, we all believed deep down that maybe, just maybe we could be chosen, then we opened our email and devastation hit. Then for some, the enemy would encourage us to succumb to the thoughts that God only works for certain people, or that we are not good enough, or that we may never have the opportunity to use anything for the Lord's work. Be of good cheer, He isn't finished with you yet!

Before I opened my email, I prayed and the familiar words of the song: Father of lights you delight in your children, every good and perfect gift comes from you. Somewhere inside of me I am not sure I really believed I had the possibility of winning but I felt led to the invitation to apply for the conference and the Lord made the way for me to get a blog posted even when I was unsure that I had anything of value to write and only His urging to do so.

But then a thought crossed my mind, the entire scholarship offer was the catalyst to actually posting and connecting with other bloggers. People had read something I posted...I can't even tell you how much that blessed my heart! It isn't about the training, or money or my works, it is about reaching the hearts of other women and that possibility was not shut down just because we were not awarded a scholarship. What a blessing for those who were awarded the scholarship, but for those who were not, do not discouraged, maybe we will be able to afford it later or maybe He provided another way, or maybe it will be a reality next year.

I am praying for all of you, that the Lord will lift your spirits, and your countenance, and He will cause His face to shine upon, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however He chooses to bless you with good gifts!

2-27-10

"Ever the place my sustenance fill, ever your heart my spirit prevails."



This sentence was placed on my heart in the wee hours of the morning before I had even woken up, one of the few times in a day when my spirit is quiet enough to hear his voice. He is so direct and to the point, something I have not mastered. May it bless you as it has blessed me.



the place - His dwelling place (my body, our temple)

sustenance - patience, endurance, one's means of livelihood, maintenance, support, that which sustains life, nourishment, food.

prevail - to gain mastery or advantage over or of, to be victorious, triumph;(often with, over or against.) To produce or achieve the desired effect, be effective or succeed.

Martha, Martha, Martha

This week I have found myself worried about a great many things. Just to name a few; How can I make up for my failings as a parent now that my children are adults? Will we be stuck in this limbo land forever? Will you really do those things you promised? Will I be the kind of grandparent that my mom is to my children? Will I be able to survive a serious trial? Will I ever be healed? Do you love me? Why?

In answer to my worries the Lord gently spoke to my heart through various means. No, He didn't give me answers to all my questions but He did bring a teaching into my life that brought some much needed perspective and He renewed my hope with His neverending supply of enduring mercy.

The last week has been kind of rough. Everyday except one, I awoke to being consumed by a migraine. So last night was Wednesday and we usually would go to church but we decided to stay home and just watch a "His Channel" streaming video instead. We chose Bob McCoy and I am sure it was coincidence that his teaching covered worrying and some real life perspective. Funny how someone can speak a God inspired teaching and impact so many lives and we all think it just a coincidence that it speaks so directly to our individual heart. God is funny like that. He even talked about how we don't want to be inconvenienced by having to go church again because it's crowded or we don't feel good but every minute 5,000 children die because they don't have enough clean drinking water. We in America have it so good we don't even have a clue what true struggling is. He is right. I wouldn't have died to go to church, I would have been slightly inconvenienced. Yes, I had a migraine, but the point was not about just going to church. Church is for the building up of the body of Christ, so that we might be better equipped to reach the lost, to bring the lost in, to encourage others, but we have made it our Christian duty to attend church just to prove we are Christians. I fear we have forgotten what it is really about.

He also asked the question of "do we just worry about stuff or do we take our worry to the Lord?" I like to think I take my worry to the Lord, but I don't usually tell Him I am worried. Many of us have heard the Mary, Martha story but last night when my usual Bible reading was covering the story and it really hit home.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her." Luke 10:38-42 NIV

My prayer is that I would choose what is better, and I am thankful that it will not be taken away from me.

Lord, help me to sit at your feet and not worry about the things of this world. Help me to choose what is better when I find myself worried about a great many things. Help me to be a Mary in a Martha world.

She Speaks Conference

Not my will, but Yours be done...

So often we find ourselves playing it safe in our walk with the Lord. A few years ago I was there. Desiring to do the will of God but staying safe, not really moving forward. Many times we want to do the will of God but don't clearly hear or understand it. Finding myself in such a place I began to press in. I began to spend time really studying the Word, learning of his ways, who he is, and what is meant by the will of God.

He led me to verse 37:4 of Psalms. Delight thyself in the Lord; and he shall give you the desires of thine heart. He wants us to not only spend time with him but to delight ourselves in Him. Sometimes that takes persistance. When we love someone we want to spend time with them, we want to understand them and we enjoy their company. At first it was hard to understand why he would want to spend time with me. But the more time together, the more he revealed himself and the depth of his love for me. He began to reveal that he loves us so much that he will pursue a relationship with us. That deep longing to know him, to fill that void that he created, is actually him pursuing. Now I cannot get enough. That is the call of my heart, to help others find the one who pursues us.

Because of my failures and shortcomings though, I felt inadequate to speak into the lives of others. Don't Christians have it all together? I thought. Then he spoke to my heart 1 Corinthians 1:26 -29. For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak thinks of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. Basically, I am one of the foolish things, chosen to speak of His redemption and great love to a lost and hurting people.

My greatest desire is to share the heart of God. Speaking His words so that others might experience His deep, passionate love for them. When I asked the Lord how I was to share with others He re-kindled a passion to write. But as I began to blog and re-visit life experiences and trials I found myself pouring out every detail that wasn't necessary to share the heart of it. Although my blogging experience is minimal, it did introduce me to the Proverbs 31 ministry where the Lord blessed me immensely. After reading a few of them I subscribed to the daily devotionals. One day while praying about how to clealy put my thoughts down I asked Him how He would have me write, and within moments ran across a very timely blog with a contest to win a scholarship to a writer/speaker training conference which was exactly what my heart's prayer had been.

This brings forth the topic of the "She Speaks" conference being held July, 2010. My heart's desire is to attend this conference as I believe I could glean many valuable tools and fully explore exactly what area of ministry or ministries best suit the gifts and passions that the Lord has given me.

It would be such a blessing to receive a scholarship and I pray the Lord would allow this special training to expand the horizon of my limited perspective. Thank you as well, for the pre-formatted letter of request for donations for the conference for those who may not receive a scholarship.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

May the Lord richly bless you and those who attend and may He cause His face to shine upon you!

Decisions

Many times we make decisions and never consider the repercussions of consequences. We believe that our decisions are our own but that is really the furthest thing from the truth. Decisions have results that spread out like ripples in a pond. Have you ever a thrown a rock into a pond? It creates hundreds of ripples. So too, decisions can have hundreds of consequences. Many decisions made in haste in my younger days have returned to me as ripples of consequences that cannot be undone. Today I was hit with a tidal wave of a ripple and my heart was broken. Oh how I wish I could have known those decisions carry such a heavy weight and they usually happen when I least expect them. No amount of "good living" or repentance removes those consquences and no amount of preparedness makes the blow any less painful. But I am consoled when I read the Word and see how the Lord redeems those who have blown it and even when I suffer heavy consequences, He will be there to bless me again.

We look at the lives of people in the Bible, like David and Moses and wonder how they could make such poor decisions and yet the Lord redeems them. David chose adultery with a woman who was not innocent of sin, and then the two of them conspired to murder her husband. Their consequences were to suffer the loss of a child as a result. But the Lord didn't leave them in the devastation of their consequences. We read that David fasted for three days when his child was dying but when he died then David washed and ate. We wonder why he would fast during the child's sickness but then seem to be okay when the child died. David understood that he couldn't change God's mind about consequences but he could intreat God in the hope that he would extend more mercy. When he knew the child died, he understood that not all consequences can be undone, a price has to be paid. But God did redeem David and loved David, and he did turn around and bless them with a second child, who would become a wise king, that child was Solomon.

Moses murdered an Egyptian and later God would use him to lead His people out of Egypt. (Exodus 2:12-14) He then spent 40 years leading those rebellious people through the wilderness but under the pressure of leading them he became frustrated with their rebellion, he prayed for water for the people as he had done previously and though he heard the Lord instruct him to speak to the rock and it would bring forth water, in his frustration he struck the rock instead, and in one fail swoop missed his opportunity to cross into the land that was promised them that 40 years. (Exodus 20:12) Imagine with me the remorse he must have felt from one wrong choice. The Lord later appeared in the promised land, with Moses and another prophet (during what is called the transfiguration) before His disciples Peter, James and John. So Moses was able to see the promised land before he died but was in it with the Lord during the transfiguation. (Mark 9:2-8)

I pray today that I would always to call upon the Lord first, to wait for His answers and trust Him with every decision, remembering that this too will affect others and will create ripples of consequence. I pray that the results of my choices would create consequences that bless and not bring pain.

It is so important to allow God to reveal His will for us as He has already seen the beginning from the end.

It was just a joke...

Well, I was the recipent of a really bad "joke" today and while some may have just been trying to get a reaction it left me feeling incredibly vunerable. I am all for a good joke or teasing, usually, as I grew up in a home that was submerged in that kind of thing but today showed me that what I may think is funny, may in fact cause a great deal of pain in someone else. I pray I remember today when the urge comes over me to play a joke on someone or even just try to fake something. My heart couldn't distinguish the difference and the intender probably didn't antipate the large scale reaction they received as a result. Lord help my words heal and not hurt, may they uplift and not tear down, may they be said in kindness and humility, thinking of others instead of myself. Forgive me for times I may have hurt someone when I was "just joking".